Web 4.0 – “The Pedantic Web.”

February 26, 2008


Futurist James Johnson 3.1 has revealed his vision of the future of the world wide web. “I see the the birth of artificial intelligence leading to increasingly snotty and patronizing personalities emerging via AI on the web to enhance our experience, just as they do in real life. At the moment it is difficult to imagine but over the next few years you are going to hear more and more about the Pedantic Web. It is a natural step in the evolution of the web towards Web 9.0 which we have named the Romantic Web. Eventually the web will contain and involve all of our relationships and connections, it will be our friend, our lover and our master.”


NASA to put first man on Sun by 2030

February 26, 2008

Former Glories.

NASA has today announced that it will be working towards putting a man on the Sun before the end of the third decade of the 21st century. “We are already looking at going back to the moon, and this would be the natural progression,” stated William Ducting, the scientist who dreamed up the idea and is now leading the team working on it. He continued : “This is going to be a long and difficult process – do not think that we have underestimated it, but if we don’t do it other nations such as China will. It is a matter of national pride.” Ducting refused to be drawn into answering some of the obvious practical questions ( such as how could a human being possibly survive the surface temperature/radiation etc). It also remains to be seen if NASA in its current guise can fulfill such an extraordinary ambition in the 22 years it has allotted itself.

Sony Pulls Out of Blu-ray

February 26, 2008


In a shocking new move in the high definition format wars, Sony has announced that it will pull out of the Blu-Ray Alliance. A spokesperson for Sony said “We were completely taken by surprise when Blu-Ray won the format war and HD DVD died. It completely ruined our three decade policy of backing the wrong format. Right now we will go back, regroup and decide what else we can do to ensure Blu-ray’s failure. We still have authority over the specifications for the Blu-Ray format and are considering making a number of changes in the BD 2.5 specifications.” There has been debate about what these specification changes could include. Our own Sony insider who blogs under the pseudonym of mental monkey says that he has heard BD2.5 might demand iris-scanning and anal probing to be built into future hardware and that this will be tightly integrated into some form of extreme DRM. “Sony has spent years refining the art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. They can definitely turn things around – look at what they did with the playstation – could anyone have predicted PS3’s poor performance 5 years ago?”

Another study shows how to crack encryption

February 26, 2008


Following on from last week’s revelations regarding the persistence of encryption keys in computer RAM and potential ways to use this to break the encryption a new alternative method has been revealed by Herrowin University professor, John Bainbridge. The new workaround involves the process of perseveration by which a typed password can remain in a user’s brain for up to 7 seconds. Using special brain freezing technology Bainbridge and his team were able to increase this up to 2 hrs. They were then able to use fMRI (functional magnetic resonance) imaging to extract the password from the user’s brain. Although the team used a special liquid nitrogen helmet to freeze user’s heads they found that vanilla ice cream was just as effective. Bainbridge told us : “It’s difficult but it is possible and becoming increasingly practical, particularly as fMRI equipment and ice cream begin to come down in price. I think we are just going to have to get used to the fact that no encryption is 100% safe.”

Details for Vista SP2 leaked

February 25, 2008

Photo by onion83.

Details of the second service pack for Microsoft’s beleaguered operating system have been leaked on a well known software blog. These details suggest that SP2 will include fixes for numerous problems in Vista including what are described as several SRIs (suckiness related issues), DUIs, MRIs and UTIs. It also appears that SP2 will incorporate an entirely new filing system codenamed greenbelt. This will be 67% less efficient than NTFS but will be 3% more environmentally friendly. It is also expected to offer a number of fixes for problems that MS has not yet invented. No details of a release date at present but our own MS source tells us that it should be well before the release of SP1 but sometime after Windows 7. We tried to contact Microsoft for an official statement. They told us they would ring us back but we have heard nothing since. We can only assume that their reply has been delayed and put back by 5 years.

Apple Announces Macbook Hair – the world’s thinnest and narrowest notebook

February 25, 2008

Apple has revealed details of its upcoming ultra-narrow notebook the Macbook Hair which at only 0.004 inches in width and thickness is comparable to a human hair. The new notebook has been made possible due to a number of advances in miniaturization and some interesting compromises. The number of ports on the machine have been cut down to zero. It also lacks a built in monitor, any on board memory or a CPU. It instead relies on the user’s imagination and own ability to store and process information. It also uses a unique interface involving middle-fingered gesturing which has been described as completely revolutionary. Prices for the machine will start at $300000 for the basic version rising up to $5000000 for the highest spec version which is a full hair’s breadth faster. Apple expects to sell at least 5 trillion machines by the end of April 2008. A definite release date has not been announced but Apple says it will be “sometime in May 2008”.